Dreams Do Come True

If you have been following the Adventures of Mama-Dirtyfoot, you know that I have been focusing on adoption because it's National Adoption Month. Actually, the photo shown is of Mama and Madeline in Astrakhan, Russia on Gotcha Day. Gotcha Day was 6/25/07 and it was the day we got Madeline to become a family.

In the comments of yesterday's post, there was reference to a dream I had. I promised I would share the story so, here goes:

David and I were trying to conceive for many years with no luck. When dealing with infertility, especially unexplained infertility, you become literally consumed by the desire to get pregnant. You are an emotional wreck and can be set off into a crying jag by the simplest thing. You can be having a "good day" and then you get a baby shower invitation in the mail.....and the flood gates open. You could be shopping and admiring a cute baby toy or outfit...and the flood gates open because you "don't deserve to be shopping in that department." You could see a Christmas commercial on TV and watch the child looking with awe at Santa....and the flood gates open. Every slight change in your body you are in tune with and think "this might be the month". You are convinced that this is *the* month - until your period comes...and then the flood gates open for an hour or so. How can I be failing at the most basic of human functions - to reproduce? You get the picture...pretty depressing. And month after month this continues. In my case it continued for 8 years before we decided to start the process of adoption. During that time we experienced doctors, specialists, drugs, more drugs, sonograms, an exploratory laparoscopy, hormones, shots in the ass, IUI, a "chemical pregnancy" etc....and after all of that, specialists were never able to find a reason we didn't get pregnant. If you know me well, I tried to keep as upbeat as possible but there are times that I would simply just fall apart.

During this journey, I had a dream one night. In the dream I was sitting in the rafters of the attic in my childhood home with my maternal grandfather. (Grandpa O. died when I was 13 and although our relationship was good, it wasn't overly involved -or shall I say it was very traditional. ) As I was sitting in the rafters, I was crying my eyes out to my grandfather and venting (the way one would to a best friend about something that was upsetting to you). I was just sobbing in my dream about not getting pregnant and about how badly I wanted a child. The entire time my grandfather was listening and calmly reassuring (which was his manner) me that "everything was going to be okay. It'll all be all right". I felt extremely comforted by Grandpa O's reassurance.

Then my dream sequence changed (although it was still part of the same dream - you know how dreams do that). I was sitting outside at a picnic bench (in the middle of a parking lot - weird) with my "grandfather's girlfriend". (He never had a girlfriend - just another weird dream thing.) As I was sitting with this woman I was talking and crying to this woman too - just as I was with my grandfather. And again I was being comforted. The comfort I received from this dream is almost inexplicable. But they both assured me that everything was going to be okay. But as I sat and "vented" to the woman I eventually looked up at her and really noticed her. I was speechless by her beauty. As I was looking at her in my dream I remember being in awe of her beauty. (It wasn't a movie star/supermodel beauty, but rather.....hmmmmm, I still can't describe it). As I was looking at the woman I was feeling completely content and at peace. At this time, I told the woman, "You are soooooo beautiful!"

Feeling the complete serenity that I was, you can only imagine how annoyed I was to hear David talking to me and disturbing this dream. (David does, on occasion, talk in his sleep so I thought he was having a dream that was making him talk in his sleep, and thus disturb my dream.) I woke briefly to "SHHHHush" him and I put my head back on my pillow in order to try to get back into my dream. As I was settling back in, it registered to me what David said. While I was having this extremely comforting, peaceful dream, David woke me by saying, "There is someone or something in this room".

We talked about this that night and on several occasions after. As it turns out David wasn't talking in his sleep that night. He was fully awake and felt some type of presence in the room. He compared it to when you are sitting alone in a room and you just *know* when some enters the room, even if you didn't see/hear them come in. He just felt a presence. But the weird thing is that he was sensing this (enough to try to tell me in the middle of the night) while I was simultaneously receiving comfort from my grandfather and the beautiful woman. This is too much of a coincidence to simply be *just* a coincidence. I truly believe that I was being visited to be told that "it's all okay".

This dream was about 4 years into my 8 year journey. At times after this dream I crept back into my self-pity mode but I would always stop and remind myself of this experience and find peace and strength. Today, all the pain of infertility is gone. We have Madeline and I have absolutely no lingering desire or feeling of loss by not having a "home grown" kid. I am 100% happy with the outcome and truly convinced, without a doubt, that Madeline was meant to be ours. I had to go though that in order to have Madeline as our daughter. And, to this day, I think of that dream experience and it now gives me comfort in the idea that Madeline was chosen for me years before our "Gotcha Day". As I said in yesterday's post, despite the never ending emotional roller coaster David and I rode, things turned out the absolute best and I would do it all again to make sure that I was Madeline's Mama. And the many years of waiting with empty arms was necessary. I was waiting, yes, but I was waiting for Madeline.