Friday, May 22, 2009

Miss You Ma!

I can't talk about today without at first going back. Two years ago today my mom died. I really can't believe that amount of time has passed. But today was a very sad realization of the amount of time that *has* passed.

Let me take you back one year ago - to the one year anniversary of her death. Each anniversary of the events that led up to her death weighed on my mind. The entire month of May last year my mom was in my every thought. I remembered waiting for 8:30pm, the time of my mother's death, to recognize it and remember it.

Let me also go back to a blog post from my brother's blog that recognized our family's mindset. It said:

I just got done reading an email from Mazurland's baby sister Amy. It was a touching, and for me jolting reminder that today is the anniversary of Ma Mazur's passing. Amy, like many of the rest of us, has had frequent occasion over the year to recall Ma, and in particular the various stages of her final journey... "a year ago Mom fell", "a year ago Marty was in town", "a year ago Mom called for the priest", etc. And in the note, she recalled some of these things, and things that have happened in the year since. I remember thinking a couple of weeks ago, "Can it be that it was a year ago that I zipped up to Buffalo to help Amy take care of Ma, that one last time?" And then my memory was strangely quiet of memories of Ma. Until today. Amy's rambling, but beautiful note was what shook me. And the last sentence broke me up:

"See you all tonight as I am sure we will all be in Mom's extension at 8:30."

The extension to my Mom's house was the family room where everyone met, ate, talked, watched TV, played games. It's where Ma died. Amy's final sentence made me appreciate the power of séances. Yes, we are separated by hundreds of miles from each other, and in one case by a thick veil. But we will be there. See you.

I knew the anniversary date was approaching. I knew we would be leaving for Indiana on this day. But today, it wasn't until I opened my calendar for another reason, did I notice the note on today's date. Until I saw that note I had forgotten this today....and I felt guilty. I realized my thoughts were not consumed with the loss of my mom.....and I felt guilty. I am saddened that my mom is not here to see (yes, I know she sees from above...but still...) all the changes in my life that have occurred since she passed. I did not reflect on "8:30pm", until about 10:30pm...and I felt guilty. As I sat to blog my thoughts today I was extremely saddened by the realization that I can no longer remember the *feeling* of being with her. Please, don't misunderstand that last sentence. I remember everything she did as my mom, all the great things she taught me, all the silly things she did on her own as well as the silly things we did together as mother/daughter. I have great memories...priceless memories. Although I know she is watching over us, I can no longer capture that *feeling* of sitting in a room with her.....and I feel guilty. Today, after these realizations, I feel that another piece of my mom has slipped away from me. Today, I am mourning her loss again. I love you, Mom!

4 comments:

Marty said...

I think feeling guilty would be the last thing Ma would want you to do. Do you think she's sitting there looking at the time, saying "Amy forgot that this, right now, is the hour that I died"? No f*ckin' way! You do Ma's memory great justice! You don't forget. None of us do. We live our lives, and maybe let the moment slip. But we remember all we owe our parents.

Whimsical Creations said...

hugs!

Margie said...

Amy,
It was interesting reading your entry about Ma. I have been thinking of her this week and also last night. My take is that thankfully, and with ma's examples and intervention, we are positively progressing down our pathway of mourning. For me personally, I have noted that around the 2 year mark that a significant amount of healing has occurred. We are better able to fully live the lives that God and Mom and Dad gave us. This lesson I have learned will be shared with friends who are mourning. What remains is the true essence of Mom, which lives on in it's most pure form, stronger and forever. I know mourning is a very personal experience but I hope this helps. Margie

Amy said...

Thanks all! Yesterday was a tough day....but PMSing didn't help me out in this area either!